The Favorite One

 The Favorite One

All the things I thought i couldn't do or think I can't do, God has had me do anyway even if I was scared. I did it anyway. Never fight God,when he wants to use you he gone use you anyway. No need in running /fighting.

~Resiliance

~Strength

My strength comes from the Lord. I have a piece of wall decor in my house up that says “ The Joy of the Lord is my strength.”  But during one of the most challenging trials of my life, there was no joy that helped me get through what I am about to share.  I had no joy going through this.  It was by his strength that allowed for me to do the unthinkable. Really, Unimaginable things I thought I could never ever do. Things the old me would be too terrified to do.  The Lord strengthen me to do things as the only child for a very long time. Currently, I am the oldest out of four on my Mothers side and the oldest of three on my father's side. I was an only child for 12 year's of my life until my mom remarried and started over with her new family. Fast forward to my life altering experience. It began October 2017 when I would go visit my mom, who I did not know at first was dying from cancer.  Daily I would watch as her body began to shut down, unfortunately her other children wouldn't go and visit or spend time with her, they said mommie told us” don't come up there looking at me when I get sick” yeah I recall her saying those types of things to me in my earlier years but I could never leave my mother alone while she was transitioning from this life!   I would never honor such request. Sorry mommie, even if I wanted to, God would not let me do it. I recall doing things like brush her teeth and when pulling the tooth brush out of her mouth would see the skin from her mouth on the toothbrush due to her body is shutting down.   Little did I know that's why that was happening at the time.  She would also chew on the toothbrush as a natural reflex because she had not eaten anything, and was hungry--though she could not talk at the time. Witnessing her body shutting down, while she was able to still motion to us that she was hungry and thirsty was painful to observe and miraculous at the same time.  I don't quite recall the exact order of how things went during my mothers last days. I just know I was the one going daily. I remember putting vaseline on her dry peeling lips and when I would leave cause it was time to go, I felt God knew just how much I could stand and he would release me to go.  I would walk out of her hospice room that smelled like urine every time I went because it was not a clean or welcoming place. The staff or nurses barely took care of the patients. And unfortunately due to this my mother developed bed sores just after the first week being there. The nurses would leave her lying in the same position for hours, not turning her body properly. My heart was breaking each and every time I would see her this vulnerable. All I wanted to do is crawl in bed with her and never leave her side. I knew this would not be possible and when visiting time was over I would walk out in tears. God  put inside of me the peace to know I could not do that and accept that I had done all that I could. That's strength that passes all understanding. This is the strength only God could give me.

As I reflect over this time in my life I get flashes of the events that took place while my Mother was in hospice. There was one at the last stages of my mother's life, my mom's oldest sister, my mom's first cousin, my mother's husband and my younger sisters came to visit her.  She was in her last days--my mother's husband said something stupid and reflective of the sentiment that I could not understand, and she looked directly at me and mouthed” he's crazy” LOL, yeah my mom was not fond of him at all and if she had the strength to talk she would have told him to get the F out. (There relationship dynamics is a whole different topic for another blog). But I thought that was hilarious when she did that. I believe only myself and my youngest baby sister saw it. This is the type of woman my Mother was. She did not pull any punches.

There is a statement that I live by until this day. "God says do it scared"!  I did it scared. I was afraid to go see my Mother in the state she was in. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.   As her body was shutting down, God had me ensure she had communion. My sister ( not my biological but my God sister, the one God sent me) bought in some of the most powerful women I have ever met, to pray and do communion with me for my mother, this was while she was in the hospital, and during her last '12 rounds of radiation.  They informed me that it would not cure her at that time but was used to make her more comfortable in her last days. She was at Kaiser. She was not suppose to eat or drink during this time because the doctors felt she could have a seizure or choke, but the Minister was able to give her a tiny piece of communion cracker that dissolved immediately in her mouth and a drop of cranberry juice, with tears in all of our eyes she was able to take her last communion with women she did not personally know but who loved me enough to stand by my side. ONLY GOD COULD DO IT and his strength  was MY STRENGTH.

 

As I reflect over these past years and all I endured, it was under me truly being afraid. As her days were counting down, covering her head with a hat that I bought her as her hair was falling out-my mother wouldn't want anyone to see her hair like that. I held her hand, brushed her teeth, and rubbed her hands all along not realizing her body was shutting down and she was going to pass away shortly thereafter. But you know what I look back at it today and I did it anyway. Scared, every day, every time I walked in her room, every time I had to leave her side. Terrified, scared, and confused about it all. I had strength. I now know it was the strength of the Lord that he gave that I never knew I had.  He was the one who gave me the ability to do what I did not think I could ever do. Because of me, I was JUST FILLED with Fear of the unknown. Completely SCARED. But I did it, heartbroken on a daily basis. While my daughter/my baby girl, my mother's first grandbaby who was born just 10 days after my Mother's birthday, was with me every step of the way. My message to you who reads this. No matter what you are going through, do not be too scared or paralyzed by what you are going through. Just do it afraid. I promise you, God will give you the strength